I could link to The Onion five times a day if I wasn’t careful.

David L. Rabinowitz of the NASA-funded Near-Earth Asteroid Tracking program claimed that, despite the overwhelming data to the contrary, no one in the astronomy community had any doubt that the asteroid was talking out of its ass.
”Everybody knew that asteroid was a poseur,” Rabinowitz said. “If it didn’t have the balls to come within 100,000 miles of Pluto 15 years ago, how’s it even gonna consider messing with Earth? What, did it think it was going to be another 1908 Tunguska Event? Don’t make me laugh.”
<a href=”http://www.theonion.com/articles/chickenshit-asteroid-veers-away-at-last-minute,2722/?mobile=true”>Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute</a>