NFL Playoff Predictions

Every four weeks for the past four months I’ve shared some brief thoughts about the NFL season. The common theme was I had no idea what was going on, as teams took turns looking good for 2–3 games then looking terrible.

Following that trend, as I look at the playoff bracket, I am befuddled. How the hell am I supposed to have confidence in anyone from this group of teams? There isn’t a single one that doesn’t have at least one major question. The top two teams in the AFC are both making huge jumps partially cleared by the Chiefs dropping out of contention. The #1 NFC seed has a massive question at quarterback.

I’m thrilled that I don’t gamble and had a compulsion to bet money on any of these games.

Fortunately I’m just a dumb blogger, so here are some half-assed picks for the bracket that will entertain us for the next month.

AFC

New England over Los Angeles. There is zero chance the Chargers fly all the way across the country, play in cold weather, and pull the upset. Easiest pick of the bracket.

Jacksonville over Buffalo. I can’t believe I’m making this pick, but the Jags are genuinely good on both sides of the ball and the Bills are too porous on defense to stay in the game.

Houston over Pittsburgh. I have real concerns about the Texans, but I think they will pressure Aaron Rogers all game and their offense will do just enough to win.

Jacksonville over New England. I’m telling you, the Jags are way more complete than a lot of people realize and the Patriots took too big of a leap this year.

Denver over Houston. A month ago I would have picked Houston here, but Denver will get the win as long as Bo Nix doesn’t throw five interceptions.

Jacksonville over Denver. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN WHERE THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS MAKE THE SUPER BOWL??? DUUUUU-VALLLL!!!!

NFC

Chicago over Green Bay. These teams have played two super fun games in the last month. The Packers are too banged up, though, and I think Caleb Williams has one OH SHIT!!! game in him before he flames out.

Philadelphia over San Francisco. If the Niners had any defense at all, they win. The Eagles will do their normal thing where they fuck around and barely win. But win they will.

Los Angeles over Carolina. Second easiest pick in the bracket.

Seattle over Chicago. Caleb Williams will come in sky high after beating Green Bay and the Seahawks’ defense will quickly humble him. As long as Sam Darnold can stay upright Seattle wins.

Los Angeles over Philadelphia. There’s a part of me that wonders if the Eagles will wake up now that we’re in January. That their offensive play calling will finally start taking advantage of all their gifts on that side of the ball. Then I remember I’ve decided that Jalen Hurts is actually bad at his job and it was a total fluke he destroyed the Chiefs last year.

Los Angeles over Seattle. Sports are weird sometimes. Everything lines up for an aging player to have one, last moment of glory. This may be that year for Matt Stafford. Unless he gets destroyed by one of Seattle’s linebackers in the first half and spends the rest of the game on the sideline wearing a baseball hat trying to figure out where he is.

Super Bowl

Rams over Jaguars. The Rams have been there before, the Jags will just be happy to be there.