Warning: some slightly graphic, suggestive language below. All meant in fun, of course.<\/p>\n
The final wedding of Summer Matrimony Fest 2003 is finally out of the way. Another grand occasion highlighted by impressing the locals with consuming large quantities of fine scotch (Glen Fiddich, 18 year old model). However, I did have to miss the Indiana State Fair to attend the wedding.<\/p>\n
Normally, I\u2019m not much of a state fair guy. I think I last attended one when I was three or four and didn\u2019t have much say in the matter. It did seem like a good time to attend, though, and get a better feel for my new home. I\u2019ve heard about deep fried Twinkies for weeks. I dreamt of the smells of real corn dogs, cotton candy, and kettle corn assaulting my nose. Avoiding \u201ccow patties\u201d and \u201chorse pies\u201d is always entertaining for us city folk. But most of all, I missed seeing the World\u2019s Largest Hog.<\/p>\n
A Yorkshire Hog named Statesman won this year\u2019s largest boar competition, weighing in at a massive 1,227 pounds. Sounds like a lot of bacon to me. I was so intrigued I actually read three articles on this magnificent beast. Turns out Statesman hails from Seymour, IN. If John Cougar Mellencamp hadn\u2019t been born in that noble ville, Statesman would be Seymour\u2019s claim to fame. He was raised by Top-Line Genetics, who despite the name, claim he has been fed nothing but ground corn, soybean meal, and farm fresh greenery. That\u2019s some damn good corn!<\/p>\n
So what kind of satisfaction does one get from raising a half-ton hog? Prize money? Sure, the owners walked away with $450. They also spend roughly $700 a year to feed him, so clearly the monetary award is not the motivation. A faithful companion? I doubt Statesman is allowed to lounge in the living room like those scary little Vietnamese pigs some people keep as house pets. Poor guy can\u2019t even really stud, given his immense size. Or so I thought. Turns out Statesman has somewhere between 3,000-4,000 piglets to his name. If he wasn\u2019t already bursting at the seams, I bet he would be with pride of his genetic domination of southern Indiana. So how does this monster father enough offspring to keep Sicily in sausage for a year? When in doubt, consult the Daily Show. A few years back, Beth Lilleford filed a classic report on hog farming. The highlight of the report was her hands-on investigation of how pig semen is, well, harvested I guess. Like me, she assumed there was some fancy \u201cdevice\u201d that took care of the process. Something like those suction tubes that milk cows in the modern world. Well there is a special \u201cdevice\u201d that handles the act, and it\u2019s called a human hand. That\u2019s right, in order to breed pigs, these lucky porkers get a hand job from Mrs. Farmer Brown.<\/p>\n
Jim Rome often talks about the self-esteem of the woman who is asked to Windex the pole in a strip club at the end of each night. Just a guess, but I\u2019m thinking if you spend your day jerking pigs off, you\u2019re probably not A) filled with huge amounts of good feelings about where you are in life and B) bragging about your job to your friends. Unless there\u2019s some special technique involved that requires intense training, I would imagine we\u2019re talking minimum wage here, and sliding down a brass pole for two grand a night doesn\u2019t seem so bad.
\n\u201cWe\u2019ve sold a lot of semen on him in the past,\u201d Statesman\u2019s owner told the Indianapolis Star. If that\u2019s not one of the top five quotes of all-time, I don\u2019t know what is. All this made me realize that like everything else in the world, the state fair has lost its sense of innocence. I always thought the pig contests were created for happy little farm boys and farm girls in 4H who spent the winter getting up early to feed and clean their favorite boar. They looked forward to the summer, hoping to get him up to 200-300 pounds so they had a shot at the blue ribbon. The reward was a special pin on their 4H jacket, months of good eating, and the satisfaction of a job well done. Like every other competition, though, even state fair pig contests are now dominated by cold, faceless corporations. In the area of hog genetics, they use computerized nutrition programs to create super swine, 3-4 times bigger than normal hogs. When Bobby Jim and Jenny Sue from Hanover can\u2019t expect to get within 900 pounds of the winner, isn\u2019t something really wrong with our country? I\u2019ll be anxious to see how this year\u2019s Indiana gubernatorial candidates handle the issue.<\/p>\n
Just something to think about at this year\u2019s Pig Roast. Eat some ribs for me!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Warning: some slightly graphic, suggestive language below. All meant in fun, of course. The final wedding of Summer Matrimony Fest 2003 is finally out of the way. Another grand occasion highlighted by impressing the locals with consuming large quantities of fine scotch (Glen Fiddich, 18 year old model). However, I did have to miss the Indiana State Fair to attend the wedding. Normally, I\u2019m not much of a state fair guy. I think I last attended one when I was three or four and didn\u2019t have much say in the matter. It did seem like a good time to attend, though, and get a better feel for my new home. I\u2019ve heard about deep fried Twinkies for weeks. I dreamt of the smells of real corn dogs, cotton candy, and kettle corn assaulting my nose. Avoiding \u201ccow patties\u201d and \u201chorse pies\u201d is always entertaining for us city folk. But most of all, I missed seeing the World\u2019s Largest Hog. A Yorkshire Hog named Statesman won this year\u2019s largest boar competition, weighing in at a massive 1,227 pounds. Sounds like a lot of bacon to me. I was so intrigued I actually read three articles on this magnificent beast. Turns out Statesman hails from Seymour, IN. If John Cougar Mellencamp hadn\u2019t been born in that noble ville, Statesman would be Seymour\u2019s claim to fame. He was raised by Top-Line Genetics, who despite the name, claim he has been fed nothing but ground corn, soybean meal, and farm fresh greenery. That\u2019s some damn good corn! So what kind of satisfaction does one get from raising a half-ton hog? Prize money? Sure, the owners walked away with $450. They also spend roughly $700 a year to feed him, so clearly the monetary award is not the motivation. A faithful companion? I doubt Statesman is allowed to lounge in the living room like those scary little Vietnamese pigs some people keep as house pets. Poor guy can\u2019t even really stud, given his immense size. Or so I thought. Turns out Statesman has somewhere between 3,000-4,000 piglets to his name. If he wasn\u2019t already bursting at the seams, I bet he would be with pride of his genetic domination of southern Indiana. So how does this monster father enough offspring to keep Sicily in sausage for a year? When in doubt, consult the Daily Show. A few years back, Beth Lilleford filed a classic report on hog farming. The highlight of the report was her hands-on investigation of how pig semen is, well, harvested I guess. Like me, she assumed there was some fancy \u201cdevice\u201d that took care of the process. Something like those suction tubes that milk cows in the modern world. Well there is a special \u201cdevice\u201d that handles the act, and it\u2019s called a human hand. That\u2019s right, in order to breed pigs, these lucky porkers get a hand job from Mrs. Farmer Brown. Jim Rome often talks about the self-esteem of the woman who is asked to Windex the pole in a strip club at the end of each night. Just a guess, but I\u2019m thinking if you spend your day jerking pigs off, you\u2019re probably not A) filled with huge amounts of good feelings about where you are in life and B) bragging about your job to your friends. Unless there\u2019s some special technique involved that requires intense training, I would imagine we\u2019re talking minimum wage here, and sliding down a brass pole for two grand a night doesn\u2019t seem so bad. \u201cWe\u2019ve sold a lot of semen on him in the past,\u201d Statesman\u2019s owner told the Indianapolis Star. If that\u2019s not one of the top five quotes of all-time, I don\u2019t know what is. All this made me realize that like everything else in the world, the state fair has lost its sense of innocence. I always thought the pig contests were created for happy little farm boys and farm girls in 4H who spent the winter getting up early to feed and clean their favorite boar. They looked forward to the summer, hoping to get him up to 200-300 pounds so they had a shot at the blue ribbon. The reward was a special pin on their 4H jacket, months of good eating, and the satisfaction of a job well done. Like every other competition, though, even state fair pig contests are now dominated by cold, faceless corporations. In the area of hog genetics, they use computerized nutrition programs to create super swine, 3-4 times bigger than normal hogs. When Bobby Jim and Jenny Sue from Hanover can\u2019t expect to get within 900 pounds of the winner, isn\u2019t something really wrong with our country? I\u2019ll be anxious to see how this year\u2019s Indiana gubernatorial candidates handle the issue. Just something to think about at this year\u2019s Pig Roast. Eat some ribs for me!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[119,184],"class_list":["post-41","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-humor","tag-indiana"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dsnotebook.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dsnotebook.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dsnotebook.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dsnotebook.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dsnotebook.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=41"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/dsnotebook.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15752,"href":"https:\/\/dsnotebook.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/41\/revisions\/15752"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dsnotebook.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=41"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dsnotebook.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=41"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dsnotebook.me\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=41"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}