D's Notebook

Tag: humor (Page 2 of 4)

Return Your Carts

May 8, 2017 /

I made a quick trip to Menard’s yesterday morning. I was inside for maybe 10 minutes, and in that time the car I parked nose-to-nose to did not move. However, while I was inside, someone did decided to jam a shopping cart between my vehicle and the one opposite mine. They didn’t do any damage to either car. But I did get super annoyed. The cart corral was about 15 feet away, and some person not only couldn’t be bothered to walk that far on a beautiful spring morning, but they also decided to put their cart where it was touching two other vehicles.

Making that weirder was, on my last visit to Menard’s, I was about to pull into a parking spot when someone literally walked in front of me, shoved their cart into the space I was attempting to use, and then left. I was not parked next to the corral, or in fact anywhere near it.

What.
The.
Fuck?

People, man. They’re the worst.

Anyway, yesterday I was reminded of an article I saw linked on Friday, so I looked it up. Sadly it’s more social science-y in its explanation that I would like, but apparently there are deep reasons why folks refuse to return their shopping carts to the proper location.

Why Don’t People Return Their Shopping Carts?

As far as I’m concerned, there are only three explanations for why someone does not return their cart.

1) They have a small child(ren). I get this. I still think it’s manageable – I did it for many years – but sometimes it’s especially difficult. More so if the weather is bad.
2) The person is physically constricted in some way from doing it on their own. Of course, if they get their cart around the store and to their car on their own, they should be able to make it to the cart corral. But I’ll at least entertain this option.
3) They’re an asshole.

And I think we can all agree #3 covers about 92% of the people who leave their carts in the lot.

Something Is Missing

January 19, 2017 /

Well, here we are in the middle of January, and once again the Kansas Jayhawks are putting together an excellent season of college basketball play. Some things just never seem to change.

Except something is different this year. No, not Bill Self’s four-guard offense he’s had to install due to a lack of quality big men. No, not that (Bitch I’m) Frank Mason III is averaging over 20 points a game, putting him on track to be only the second player of the Self era to do so.

Nope, what’s different is a rock of the program that had been around for years is gone.

Wait A Second, Where The Hell Is Perry Ellis?

Holiday Catalog Insanity

December 20, 2016 /

Over the past year or so, Drew Magary has become one of my favorite writers. Whether in his novels and collections of anecdotes about being a parent, his writings for GQ and Deadspin, or just on Twitter, he never fails to amuse me.

I might have first discovered him through his holiday-themed posts on Deadspin. You might recall when he shared his daughter’s ridiculous Christmas list and broke it all down for us.

Another of his evergreen holiday assignments is tearing apart the preposterous Williams Sonoma catalog. As always, this year’s edition is a delightful read.

The 2016 Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

As a bonus, he also ripped apart the insane letter that Restoration Hardware CEO put in the front of RH’s holiday encyclopedia, err, catalog collection.

The Restoration Hardware Catalog Intro Letter Is Lofty And Insane

If you’ve got the holiday blues, these two reads might just be the thing to jump start your jolly.

Holiday Jihad #2

December 19, 2013 /

Before some kid notes, another holiday jihad for you.

Years ago I sent a Christmas card to the parents of a college buddy. I found out later I had misspelled his mother’s name – I thought her name was Lara but it was actually Lura – and I was horrified. I quickly apologized and she shook it off, saying I wasn’t the first to make the mistake.

There’s a simple act of respect that goes into getting someone’s name right. It shows you value your relationship with them. That’s why I get all fired up when someone misspells a name on the address label of a Christmas card.

One family in particular has been sending us cards for nearly a decade with my wife’s last name spelled incorrectly. This is from someone who worked with S. for most of that decade. Keep in mind, S.’s last name was clearly printed on the uniform she wore to work. Her last name appeared on all kinds of paperwork that this coworker surely had to read. And we’ve sent this family our Christmas card each year, again with S.’s last name clearly printed on the return label.

But every year they spell her name wrong.

I get that we make it tough on people, having two different last names. But that seems like a basic part of sending Christmas cards: reviewing address to make sure they’re up to date, changing names after marriages, and ensuring the names you already have are spelled correctly. It’s an act of care and respect.

Anyone can make a typo. But misspelling a name, when you’ve had countless opportunities to see it spelled correctly, over and over and over again means you’re lazy, dumb, or an asshole. Or, perhaps, all three.

People…they’re the worst.

Fun With Lists

December 10, 2013 /

There is a danger in completing your Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving: the kids change their minds. L. made a brand-new Christmas list yesterday. Luckily one thing on it is up in the attic, so she won’t be totally disappointed.

I know many of you saw this last week, but it was absolutely worth making sure no one missed it. Enjoy Deadspin’s Drew Magary ripping apart his seven-year-old daughter’s Christmas list. Long-time friend of the blog Stacey B. said it looked like something I would do. I am both honored with the comparison and upset I didn’t do it first. But my girls aren’t nearly as ridiculous as his daughter is.

“1,000 bucks.” This is Christmas, not an Italian wedding. Uncle Vito isn’t gonna slip you an envelope in between stints at the raw bar. We put thought into our gifts here. You want cash? Clear the spiders out of the attic. I’ll give you three bucks for it. A thousand dollars. Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, but you cannot have this.

My Kid’s Insane Christmas Wish List, Annotated

Stirring The Pot

November 14, 2013 /

I love it when the Onion says things that are both funny and true. Example: their take on a new (fictitious) ESPN show.

“We’re looking for three, maybe four absolutely reprehensible, know-it-all fucks to sit around a table and share their idiotic opinions about the day’s biggest sports stories,” said ESPN’s vice president of original programming Jamie Horowitz, adding that ideally, the obnoxious, pig-headed pieces of shit will be a mix of annoying national sports columnists, repulsive former athletes, and one prick from Boston.

Yep, sounds about right.

ESPN Searching For A Few Loud-Mouthed Fucks For New Afternoon Program

Obstructing Democracy

November 6, 2012 /

Normally when I vote, I head to the polls, wait my turn, and then cast my ballot. This year, though, I’m going to mix things up. I keep hearing about voter intimidation in some states, and it sounds like something I’d like to learn more about. So today I plan on the following forms of intimidation:

  • Standing extremely close to the person in front of me in line. While doing so I will alternate between ignoring their annoyed looks and moving closer each time they attempt to create more space, and glowering at them with my meanest look possible.
  • Heckling other voters as I would do an opponent shooting free throws. Screaming, yelling, jumping up-and-down, waving my arms, etc. Anything to distract them from the task at hand.
  • Stepping in front of people when it’s their turn to vote. Shuffle left, shuffle right, just stay in their way. After a few moments of that I’ll stop, turn to an imaginary camera, laugh, and say, “And that’s the scene here, Chuck. Back to you in the studio.”

I don’t understand why so many people talk about voter intimidation as if it’s a bad thing. It sounds like a lot of fun!

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