Hey, the Palmers live in Indy! We should look them up sometime. “Your son is really amazing. This house is amazing. You were a model, Mrs. Palmer? Amazing!” I’m sure Jessica and Tara were impressed by Indy in the early spring. Bare trees, dead grass, dreary skies. Not quite white sand beaches, is it ladies? I know we don’t see everything on the show, but did they really take the group to Indianapolis’ most famous restaurant, St. Elmo’s Steakhouse, and sit them in the wine cellar for drinks and snacks but no real meal? Stupid. What do you think the conversation between Mr. & Mrs. Palmer after Tara’s visit was like? “I hate her.” “I love her.” “What?!?!”

I read a book during most of the show, so let’s skip ahead since nothing too important happened before the dramatic conclusion.

Jessica. I’ve been a fan all along. I think she’s got her act more together than Tara, and is a classic beauty. Poor choice on the dress and the hair, though. Didn’t look like herself at all. Thumbs down to Jesse for throwing a “but” in his little speech to Jessica. Not cool at all. However, props for not being an idiot and proposing. This boy might have some brains after all. “I’d like to go on a real date with you. Maybe do that for a year, perhaps two, then we’ll see if we belong together.” Some future bachelor needs to make this speech.

Tara. That dress, good lord! That should earn her a spot as the next Bachelorette, so long as she agrees to wear it each week. If not, it should immediately be retired to the dress hall of fame. Someone else (who is free to take credit in the comments) said Jesse should have switched to speech B when he saw the dress. Too bad Jessica went first! I think Tara has all kinds of issues. Not sure why, exactly. I was a little uncomfortable with her drinking beer and ripping on her dad to his face. Seemed like her gripes weren’t sarcastic and loving at all, more based on 23 years of accumulated bitterness. Maybe it’s just me.

We’ve got puking! We’ve got tears! We’ve got a woman refusing to exit the limo! Finally ABC delivers on its promise of The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Yet! Why couldn’t host Chris have come over and held her hair back? That would have been a nice touch. Best of all, while she’s having her breakdown, you hear her voice over about how she’s never felt the way she feels about Jesse before. This woman was engaged before, and after the equivalent of 48 hours together, she’s head over heels?

In another side discussion, we’ve wondered what kind of pressure is put on these women off camera. ABC handlers are no doubt rushing around for six weeks telling them, “Isn’t he great?” I’m sorry, “Isn’t he amazing? This is such a great opportunity for you!” Etc. etc. etc. No wonder they’re all messes by the end when there’s no rational reason for them to act like a multi-year relationship is ending. I leaned over to my wife’s stomach and addressed the Little Girlfriend: “You’re never going to act like this over some boy. Boys are going to act like this because of you!” She kicked, so I think the message was received.

Jesse looked thoroughly uncomfortable the entire time he was with Tara, so I guess that bodes well for his future with Jessica. Then again, maybe he was just bored and was busy concentrating on who the Giants would draft and what that meant to his career. Worth further investigation. Tara’s outburst was absolutely priceless, a reality TV classic. Much better than the whole Trish mess, since it was genuine (allegedly). How about just coming out on national TV and making 90% of viewers think Jesse got some Oklahoma style lovin’ on a recent date? Props to Jesse! Bet that was a joy to explain to Jessica. “No, really, nothing happened. She’s just nuts, you know that.” Nervous laughter and a sweaty forehead from Jessie. “So are we going to Home Depot today or what?”

Now the two J’s will live happily ever after, for about six months. Then Jessica’s age or the uncertainty of Jessie’s career will tear them apart. They’ll insist they respect each other, and wish it had worked, but there were just too many issues. Meanwhile, Tara becomes America’s sweetheart and spins away on talk shows so she emerges as the big winner. Trish becomes a Carmelite Nun and moves to Bangladesh in hopes of solving world hunger. Or just continues to sleep with married men, I’m not real clear on this one yet.

Thankfully, another dramatic season of The Bachelor has come to a close. They were running ads for future potential bachelors, so looks like we’ll have the show to kick around again soon. I can think of a certain PhD candidate in St. Louis who would make for extremely entertaining television. In the meantime, we can be totally creeped out by what’s suggested in the promos for The Ultimate Love Test. I’m pretty sure I won’t be watching that one.