Before M. was born, I assumed my paternity leave would consist of lots of time on the computer, reading 3-4 books a week, and otherwise relaxing in the ways I was used to. To-date, I’ve read zero books (although I’ve read lots of chapters of several parenting and computer books) and have obviously posted less than what I was doing in the past. So let’s catch up on a few things.

The highlight of our weekend had to be when M. literally shit all over a friend of ours. It was awesome! She just let loose and the diapers either got full enough or were loose enough that it all came spilling out and landed on our friend’s lap, the couch, and the floor. Fortunately, our friend is a physician and a mom, so she can handle it. Plus, it all wiped up off the couch and carpet with no stains, so it was good for a laugh and nothing more serious.

Sunday was the Brickyard 400, the annual redneck convention in Indy that culminates with a NASCAR race. I’m somewhat ashamed to admit I watched more of the race than all the NASCAR I’ve watched in my life combined. I was holding the girl, it was a lazy Sunday, and it was a local event. Plus, the record 93 caution flags were perfect for inducing sleep. I was absolutely amazed, however, that people find it interesting to go sit in the sun for four hours and watch cars drive in circles. At least if you’re home, you can see what’s going on all the way around the track. If you’re at the race, there could be a massive pile up on the other side, and unless you’re sober enough to look at the big screen, you’ll have no idea that Dale or Ricky or Billy dun flipped his car and is in the amblanse. Two of my sisters-in-law went and said the guy sitting in front of them took his teeth out midway through the race because they were interfering with his ability to take shots. There’s clearly something wrong with a “sporting event” if you have to make more room in your mouth to drink halfway through.

The latest ESPN mega-self-promotion is Old School week on Sportscenter. They’re bringing back many of the classic anchors that have left the network to do an evening Sportscenter broadcast. I’m torn between thinking this is just another tired gimmick by a network that needs some competition and being thankful that I don’t have to listen to Stuart Scott, John Anderson, or Scott Van Pelt for a few nights and can actually watch again. Naturally, I watched Sunday’s with great interest as legend Craig Kilborn returned. I was disappointed. His heart didn’t seem to be in it. He made fun of all his imitators at the beginning, and later randomly through out his once famous catch phrases so quickly they didn’t connect. His appearance did nothing to remind the public how brilliant his act was during his ESPN run. Yet even mailing it in, he was better than 75% of the current anchors. Now where’s Keith Olberman?

Hopefully some of this makes sense. I’ve got a terrific headache and am in no mood to edit.